Instant Love
by crusnik O2
Summary: Alucard finds Integra’s computer and discovers instant messaging; a harmless chat begins to blossom into more than a friendship. When Alucard and the other person decide to meet face-to-face… all hell breaks lose. ONESHOT. Hilarity.


Summary- Alucard finds Integra's computer and discovers instant messaging; a harmless chat begins to blossom into more than a friendship. When Alucard and the other person decide to meet face-to-face… all hell breaks lose. ONESHOT. Hilarity.

Disclaimer- I do not own Hellsing. HAPPY? Oh yes… I bet you are… You're happy… I just know it! Well to bad! Cause Hellsing WILL be mine!! One day… just you wait and see…

Parings- None actually XD its just for fun. And if you looked, you would have seen that this is a Humor fic. Not romance. So BLAH! …

_**Instant Love**_

Alucard fazed through the wall into Integra's office hopping to find her, but instead all he found was an empty room with a buzzing box sitting on her desk. Curious as to what it was, he slowly walked over to the desk and plopped down in the chair.

He stared into the glowing screen and blinked. _What the hell is this strange buzzy thing?_ He thought to himself, when he noticed a little arrow on the screen, leaning forward to get a better look at it he accidentally bumped another little machine, that had a cord sticking out of it, with his elbow causing the arrow to zip right off the screen. Alucard twitched. _Where did the arrow go!?_ He glared at the little machine with the cord and hissed, "Give it back!" when nothing happened he poked it. The arrow came back, "Ha! So you CAN hear me!"

Just then a loud beep like noise came from the buzzing box causing another little box to appear inside the buzz box. Alucard Jumped, "Who's there…?"

Alucard leaned closer and read what the little box said, "Mr Sexy: Hey, wanna chat?"

Alucard looked confused. The Buzz box was talking to him!

He decided to talk back… He looked down and saw another machine thingy with a bunch of letters on them, "Its worth a shot…" he said as he began to hit the letters trying to spell out the words. The conversation after that went a little like this…

**Little Red Riding Hood**- Hello.

**Mr Sexy**- so you are there, I thought no one was going to reply.

**Little Red Riding Hood**- Indeed.

**Mr Sexy**- so, what's your ASL??

**Little Red Riding Hood**- ??

**Mr Sexy**- It means Age, _Sex_, Location.

**Little Red Riding Hood**: noway. Idontwanttohavesexwithyou.

**Mr Sexy**: umm… all right…what's your favourite colour?

**Little Red Riding Hood**: Red.

**Mr Sexy**: Cool, Mine is too! So, where do you live?

**Little Red Riding Hood**: LondonEngland

**Mr Sexy**: that's cool, why don't you use the space bar??

**Little Red Riding Hood**: Thewhat

**Mr Sexy**: the long bar at the bottom of the keyboard.

**Little Red Riding Hood**: l i k e t h i s

**Mr Sexy**: No, Like I am.

**Little Red Ridding Hood**: you suck.

**Mr Sexy**: you did it! Wait… what do you mean I suck??

**Little Red Riding Hood**: Your a stupid little buzz box!

**Mr Sexy**: a buzz…box? What are you talking about?

**Little Red Riding Hood**: your a buzz box!

**Mr Sexy**: umm… all right…

-During this time I'm too lazy to write Mr Sexy flirts with Little Red Riding Hood and they fall in love with each other-

**Mr Sexy**: So, you want to meet some where some time??

**Little Red Riding Hood**: Sure, where?

**Mr Sexy**: how about your house?

**Little Red Riding Hood**: No.

**Mr Sexy**: umm all right, how about the forest??

**Little Red Riding Hood**: All right, which one?

**Mr Sexy**: You pick.

-They set up a meeting place – (I don't know England well enough to be specific…)

Alucard stared at the buzz box as the little box inside it said something, "Mr Sexy is now offline… hmm… I wonder what that means." He mumbled to himself as he heard foot steps coming towards the room, panicking he started pressing random buttons on the 'key board' as Mr Sexy had called it, as hard as he could, causing the computer to crash and shut down. Just as the door opened, Alucard Vanished quickly reappearing in his room Grinning like a mad man.

-A few hours later-

Alucard waited by the entrance to the forest sitting high in a tree staring lazily down at the ground waiting for Mr Sexy to show up. He took in a deep –unnecessary- breath and froze growling under his breath, "Anderson…" He glanced down to see Anderson walking up to the forest dressed in a suit and tie with his hair actually brushed for once.

Alucard overheard him mumbling to himself, "Little Red Riding Hood isn't here yet… she must be running late… Oh well, I can wait." With that Anderson sat down at the base of the very same tree Alucard was in.

"Wait… Anderson… is the buzz box!?" Alucard teleported down in front of Anderson in a cloud of smoke, looking, no, glaring down at him with their faces inches apart, "…Buzz box?"

"V-vampire! W-what are you doing here?! Wait… Buzz…Box??" Just then it hit Anderson like a ton of bricks, Little Red Riding Hood was… "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Alucard flinched and stood up straight as Anderson screamed louder than he had ever screamed before, _'hehe, that looks like fun…_' He thought to himself as Anderson continued to scream staring straight at Alucard, pointing a finger at him.

Alucard took in a deep breath and screamed at the top of his lungs causing Anderson to stop and plug his ears as Alucard's super-sonic bat like scream echoed for kilometres around.

-5 minutes later-

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Alucard finally stopped upon looking down and seeing Anderson's ears bleeding and his right eye twitching slightly as he stood up and leaned against the tree.

Alucard and Anderson just stared at each other for about 10 minutes before both running in opposite directions as fast as they could.

EEEEEERRR!! SPLAT! THUNK!

Alucard stopped and looked back in the direction Anderson had run, just in time too see a Semi truck stopped and Anderson on the ground in front of it. He burst into a fit of laughter and vanished from the spot reappearing in his room at the Hellsing estate.

"AAALLLUUUUCCCAAARRRDDD!! GET YOUR ASS UP HERE!! NOW!"

"Aww shit…"

**The End.**

AN- Umm ya, I don't think it was all that funny, but its probably just because I have had a huge head-ache for the last 3-4 days and I cant get rid of it, and I have a good idea of how it happened to, you know how farm houses have the slanted roofs?? Ya well I don't like them one bit. I was trying to kill this annoying little fly that was buzzing around on my roof, so I stood up on my bed, bug zapper in hand, about to kill it when my foot slipped on my really soft blanket and I fell backwards bashing the back of my head and the back of my neck onto the edge of the slanted roof with all my 110 pounds of weight. (I'm 14 if you're wondering) and it hurt like hell. And ever since then, I have had the biggest migraine ever, Advil doesn't even help! Oh well… anyway…

This fic is dedicated to MegFallow cause she gave me the original idea.

Any more ideas would be greatly appreciated! Thankies!

Please review it always seems to make my day when I read one.

_**Crusnik**_


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